| Michael Lohan Achieves D-List Wet Dream on Celebrity Boxing |
[07 Jan 2010|03:19pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-07/michael-lohan-achieves-d-list-wet-dream-on-celebrity-boxing/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50417 There is perhaps no greater honor for a D-list celebrity who has rarely to never accomplished anything in his or her life than to be asked to participate in a “celebrity” boxing match, where the word celebrity is looser than the size 0 jeans on a freckled coke whore’s frame.
Which brings us to Michael Lohan, who has used his fairly recent celebrity as the father of America’s numbest gummed ginger to get a coveted spot in the Celebrity Boxing Federation’s (it exists!) next round in Folsom, Pennsylvania. Behold (at a distance):
We’re not exactly sure who his opponent is, but we have some fantasy guesses… Namely, Aretha Franklin. Aretha would teach this boy a lesson about how to treat a lady. And her satin shorts would be divine. (We would also settle for Jon Gosselin and/or Mady.)
Do yourself a personal favor and check out the rest of this guy’s shlocky poses in the gallery below.
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| AD WIZARDS: Screw Tooth Whitening, Just Make Yourself Black |
[06 Jan 2010|02:00pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/ad-wizards-screw-tooth-whitening-just-make-yourself-black/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50274 Making fun of crappy banner ads is as easy as making fun of flashing clipart ads about fish in a barrel (seriously, that’d be very easy to make fun of), but that throwaway explanation aside, I couldn’t help but do a wacky black-and-white sitcom double-take when I saw this banner ad for tooth whitening:
Are they claiming they’ll fix your yellow teeth by making you black, thus comparably whitening your mouth? Why does the person in the first photo have one normal tooth next to one disgustingly yellow tooth? Was Photo #1 covering one tooth with, like, a plastic gold tooth then binge-drinking gallons of Coke, and he got the fake gold tooth from some Halloween costume kit called “Gang Thug Man” with an example photo of a sad dude not even trying to feign enthusiasm for appearing on the front of the Gang Thug Man Halloween costume bag?
Got off track there, I’ll save my rants about sad Halloween costume kit photos for February, when they’re topical. In the meantime, I’ll be clicking on that ad to discover this secret mom trick of moms.
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| While You Were Gearing Up For The My Secret Identity DVD Release |
[06 Jan 2010|03:14pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-06/while-you-were-gearing-up-for-the-my-secret-identity-dvd-release/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50297 
- Katy Perry and Russell Brand got engaged while on vacation in India, marking the first time in history that a giant, painted street elephant was able to roll his eyes. Also, they are perfect for each other like unrelated identical twins.
- Lindsay Lohan has accused ex-BFF Patrick “Pootie” Aufdenkamp of stealing from her, while the rest of the country accuses him of possibly being a gay Nazi war criminal.
- Sharon Stone is set to make an appearance on Law & Order: SVU, while Sharon Stone’s Vagina has opted to appear on NCIS: Los Angeles.
- Joan Rivers was not allowed to board a flight to Costa Rica from Newark due to some passport/boarding pass name confusion… so she took to Larry King to talk about it! That gate agent should be fired and then immediately hired to face off against Joan on a new season of Fox’s Celebrity Boxing.
- What do you get the person who has everything? Boom.
- The recent passing away of heiress Casey Johnson, also the recent girlfriend of Tila Tequila, is sad and no doubt an early loss. But it’s perhaps this line, spoken by Johnson’s ex-girlfriend to Radar, that is raising the most red flags for us: “On one occasion she (Tila) called me and a male friend screaming, saying people were breaking into her home. When I arrived, she was naked with a kitchen knife screaming, but no one was there.” It’s official: Tila Tequila needs to be stopped.
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| Small Wonder? No. Gigantic Wonder. |
[05 Jan 2010|10:29pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-05/small-wonder-no-gigantic-wonder/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50253 If you’ve wondering where we’ve been all day, it’s been staring at the following DVD cover which arrived on our desks via robot angel with apron:
THE FIRST SEASON OF SMALL WONDER IS FINALLY BEING RELEASED ON DVD.
Our favorite show EVER about a child slave who, thankfully, wasn’t a real girl at all, rather a robot, can be watched over and over and over again. What’s that? You don’t remember it? Why don’t you give it’s theme song a listen and then call your local hardware store when your BRAIN SPRINGS SHOOT OUT OF YOUR EYEHOLES:
This might be our favorite melody after our standard #1 pick, Colonel Abrams’ “Table for Two.”
 Watching this show today is a trip. Namely, because Vicki’s hardware, which is woefully sticking out of her back like the light switch to a slumlord’s whore den, is the exact same motherboard used to make an Atari game console. It’s as though the creators of the show threw their giant Apple PC’s to the ground after writing so many television failures, picked up the sparking motherboard while their hungry children began crying in the doorway, and boom: TELEVISION HISTORY IS MADE.
Further proof as to how GENIUS this show is can be found in the show’s Wikipedia description:
V.I.C.I.’s features include superhuman strength and speed, an AC outlet under her right arm, a parallel port under her left arm, and an access panel in her back. Despite this, the Lawson family tries to pass the robot off as their adopted daughter. Vicki lives in a large cabinet in Jamie’s bedroom, and becomes more human over the course of the show.
Pretty sure this is also the plot to our other favorite movie, “The Tom Cruise Story.”
And we wouldn’t be journalists without passing along this genius:
Occasionally Vicki had rare abilities that seemed to only appear in one or two episodes, such as elongating her neck to reach a door’s peephole, shrinking her size to become as small as a doll or making herself ten feet tall to get noticed by everyone.
Yup, special FX were in full FX back in 1986. But you know the only thing creepier than a fake robo-daughter? How about the real kids?
Yes, that is the girl from Troop Beverly Hills. And that’s probably the guy you just bought meth from. I LOVE THIS SHOW!!
The DVD is officially out at the beginning of February, but understandably, it already has a 5 star rating over at Amazon.
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| Five Awesome Years on the Lounge |
[05 Jan 2010|01:18pm] |
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http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org/2010/1/5/five-awesome-years-on-the-lounge Today is a special day for Leaky and all its loyal readers. Five years ago today the Leaky Lounge, our forum, was born, and Leaky itself changed forever: from a small news-posting blog to a worldwide community, from a one-way news posting service to a great depository of ideas, writing, theories, reading groups, creativity, laughter, parodies, essays, and much, much more. The Leaky Lounge blew ...
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| And We Didn’t Even Get to Crash the Wedding? SHENANIGANS. |
[05 Jan 2010|04:52pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-05/and-we-didnt-even-get-to-crash-the-wedding-shenanigans/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50230  Vince Vaughn has done the impossible.
HE GOT MARRIED.
We’ve actually missed Vincie from the pages of our local gossip rags these past few months, so this wedding comes as nothing short of a shock. So, who’s the lucky lady who apparently can’t get enough of his trademarked Vaughncian banter? Her name’s Kyla Weber, a woman listed as a Canadian “real estate agent,” which is apparently what Canadians are calling their strippers now. Kudos to him for not falling for some common Hollywood floozy, and kudos to her for pulling the plug on one of America’s most beloved bachelors.
What girl wouldn’t wanna snag this guy?
It’s the second most shocking marriage moment in history after this:
True, it’s fictional, but our Jewjaws are still dropping over it.
So ladies, a sad day for the world of giant slightly bloated bachelors, as there is one less on the market. And once again, poor Jennifer Aniston is left in the cold. She best marry John Mayer before some other woman — God forbid a Canadian – gets to him first.
Ahead, a short Wedding Crashers clip to warm the cockles.
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| Young, Dumb and Full of Ideas: Jock Documents Adam Lambert Dream |
[04 Jan 2010|07:20pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/young-dumb-and-full-of-ideas-jock-documents-adam-lambert-dream/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50196 Urlesque blogger and personal Internet yin to my yang Eliot Glazer passes along a video that proves that while the internet is a glorious, multi-faceted, always-generous son of a bitch, it also has an ugly underbelly of oddness that could easily cause an entire nation to want to shut the whole thing down.
You see, in this video, a young, twinky jock describes a dream he has about Adam Lambert. Using the projected budget for the next Robin Williams-John Travolta Disney joint and a whole bucketful of tenacity, our young hero both guzzles chocolate syrup out of the bottle and, immediately thereafter, dons a Lambert wig and lipsynchs to Gaga. It was his ~dream~ you guyzzz!*
Dear This Kid’s Family: Please buy him this for Martin Luther King Jr.’s upcoming birthday.
*It’s entirely possibly this dream weirds us out due to this guy’s resemblance to Lambert + ‘roids. We don’t really want to dig deep on this one.
And for those of you who thought the above short film was sort of sweet and/or those of you crushing on this dude (look, we understand), we’ve posted another one of his videos ahead — featuring him shirtless and with leopard makeup on — that should help swing… your votes.
Your more turned on now, aren’t you? Ah well, no need to thank us.
Love,
The Internet
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| Let’s Just Go Ahead and Call the Winner of Celebrity Apprentice 3 (UPDATE!) |
[04 Jan 2010|07:30pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/lets-just-go-ahead-and-call-the-winner-of-celebrity-apprentice-3/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=45270 UPDATE: Today, EW brings us our first photo of the Celebrity Apprentice 3 Cast:
We are happy to report that our original pick to win this entire show (which you can see ahead) is still looking mighty strong in this line-up. Though we’re also getting major “winner” vibes from Cyndi Lauper (that no nonsense business suit!), Daryl Strawberry (backwards chair = $$$), and Curtis Stone way there in the back. Also, why does everyone look uhsooo tiny in this picture? Is there some sort of Rick Moranis-themed backyard challenge ahead for these guys?
Also, here is a great photo of Sharon Osbourne not taking any of Bret Michaels’ BMs:
Love her. Keep reading for our predictions, from our post dated October 16, 2009:
Well, it’s that time of year again: The new roster for Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice 3 has been announced, and as expected, it features both people you haven’t heard from in 2 years, people you haven’t heard from in 5 years, those you thought were dead, and even some you’ve definitely never heard of at all. Still, as this remains our favorite guilty pleasure on television, we figure it’s never too early to figure out in what order these people will be eliminated. And sure, we may not be 100 percent accurate, but we stand by our #1 choice with every ounce of our physical being.
SEE OUR PICKS AHEAD.
12th Actress Holly Robinson Peete. This just goes to show, kids: Have one small role on Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper, and ride that wave for the next 20 years. It also helps to marry a famous athlete. Needless to say, she’s flying on the first episode. Meanwhile, Marc Curry would totally not say no if you wanted to Paypal him like $5. (Update: Thank you to our well spoken commenters who reminded me that Hol-Rob-P. has been in many a top-rated ABC show.)
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11th Writer and Comedian Carol Leifer, who wrote for “Seinfeld“ Carol’s a comedic genius, but sadly, due to Joan Rivers‘ win last year, has no shot at winning the title. Look for her to go early on. Ironically, the Seinfeld character based on her, Elaine, would have probably won the whole damn thing.
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10th Australian Celebrity Chef Curtis Stone Take Home Chef was perhaps one of my favorite shows of all time (sorry The Honeymooners) thanks in large part to Curtis Stone’s charm and accent. Then he started going on The Today Show to “talk” about “stuff”, and we quickly realized he’s not really that “smart”. And Donnie T don’t stand for idiots (who have penises).
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9th Baseball Enthusiast Darryl Strawberry Will get arrested doing lines with George H. Ross.
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8th Olympic gold-medal swimmer Summer Sanders Don’t know her, but a quick Google search shows she won a gold medal at the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona. We’d tell you more, but our nightcaps were just dry-cleaned and “snooze”.
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7th Bret Michaels (</em>No Explanation Necessary) Here’s where we get interesting. Bret Michaels will clearly be the “Stephen Baldwin” of this season. He’s the guy no one gives credit to, but who will end up secretly (maybe?) being smart and kind and having some insight into things the others don’t see. That, or he’ll give Ivanka the Herp and be thrown out by Donald himself, DJ Jazzy Jeff style. ps VH1 REPRESENT.
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6th Ex-Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich No way will Donald let the only other head of hair able to compete with his own win this thing. Peace out, Blaggo.
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5th Wrestler Maria Kanellis Maria is this season’s token unfamous hot girl. Which means she’ll definitely make it to the top 5 if Trump has anything to do with it. Seriously, she could publicly grapefruit spoon her brains out of her earholes and will still be guaranteed a spot in the top 5.
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4th Cyndi Lauper A legend. Arguably the most famous and accomplished person on the show this season. She’ll add much needed spunk to the cast, and who knows… if there’s a Sitar challenge, maybe she’ll win the whole thing.
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3rd Wrestler Goldberg We’re not too familiar with the work of Goldberg, but judging by his picture, he will “Jesse James” his way into the finale.
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2nd Sharon Osbourne Love Sharon, think she’s probably the wittiest and sharpest of the entire cast. Trump knows this. She’ll be in the Top 2, mark our words. Unless Ozzie manages to f**k things up as usual.
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1st Sinbad SINBAD IS GOING TO WIN THE ENTIRE MOTHERF**KING THING. HE’S SINBAD, YOU GUYS, HE CANNOT LOSE. WATCH FOR IT!
Leave your own guesses in the comments, but make sure they all say that Sinbad will win.
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| Has Tiger Woods Been Hiding Out in an All Male Prison? |
[04 Jan 2010|07:05pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/has-tiger-woods-been-hiding-out-in-an-all-male-prison/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50184 The cover of Vanity Fair’s February 2010 issue seems to imply that, yes, Tiger Woods has been tossin’ salads for the past couple of weeks:
The Annie Liebowitz photoshoot was taken before the SUV-crashing, lip-splitting, penis-putting-in-multiple-vaginas incident that shook the world of golf, and, for the first time in history, the 6,692,030,267 people in the world who don’t care at all about golf (half of those people, mind you, have already likely seen Tiger topless in person).
Yet another embarrassing turn of events for Tiger, whose sexyface pose may not have even caused any alarm pre-scandal, but post-scandal — what with his fratty, dirty texting/effing — makes him look like 2010’s Biggest Douche in the Space-Time Continuum.
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| Snuggle Suits: For When You Want Your Robe To Look Business Cazh |
[04 Jan 2010|06:02pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/snuggle-suits-for-when-you-want-your-robe-to-look-business-cazh/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50176  If someone put a gun to our head and forced us to write infomercial copy for the Snuggle Suit, seen right, it would probably go something like this:
Has this ever happened to you? You’re headed to work, and cut yourself on those pesky, razor sharp shirt collars? Oh No! (Man profusely bleeding from hands as he ties his ties.) Or while putting on those constricting pantyhose, you accidentally pee the bed? Not again! (Woman sitting in giant soak stain on her duvet, looks around, eyebrows a-knit, and shrugs.)
You want to wear something softer, more comfortable, but Snuggies cause all that awwwful chaffing! (Heavyset Man and Woman, both wearing Snuggies to work with their bare asses hanging out, pat their thighs and make faces proving their in horrible, burning pain.)
Not anymore… because now… you can wear a Snuggle Suit! Snuggle Suit: Like a Robe, with Pants! Or a Snuggle, with an ass covering! And for only $99.99 (Ed. Note: How much we’d gladly pay for one) it can be yours!
Yes, people, only a few days in, and 2010 has not disappointed. The Snuggle Suit, first brought to our attention by TruTV’s Susie Felber, is probably the best gift your testicles and/or lady parts could ever receive. Now, feel free to answer your door in your robe with those Girl Scouts coming knocking, Old Man Grizzlyshvanz! Little Dotty won’t run home bawling forcing her mother to call the police after her daughter spied your goods, now will she? Thin mints for all.
But if the idea of wearing a robe to the opera suits you and your lifestyle, we suggest you ACT FAST and buy one of these things RIGHT NOW. Since posting about this human papoose yesterday, Susie notes that the price has already gone up FIVE DOLLARS. So head over to the JC Penney and buy one of these lifechanging one-piece fleece costumes before they SELL OUT and you’re the only IDIOT at work not one a ONE PIECE FLEECE SUIT.
And PS: If you think that we’re kidding, and that people would never wear this out of the house, please see our favorite review from the JC Penney website, posted ahead:
Written By: Blessed
Location: Davie, FL
“I love that it can be worn as a lounger as much as Pj’s and you look more presentable. After getting red for Christmas last year, I immediately ordered black in two sizes and black for my mother-who is always cold. I bought my regular size in black and a bigger one so I can sleep in it an not feel restricted if it twists from rolling over. I eventually realize if I just took off the belt from my regular size, I could roll over with no restrictions, but it does tend to “flop open” and flash people – especially without the belt so I usually pin it or stick a hair clip on it if I am around the house and don’t need to be presentable – of course a cute tank top underneath would solve that problem, but I love the feel of fleece and a shirt underneath ruins the feel.
Happy New Year, All of America!!
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| Avatar: That Movie About Blue People Who Have Hair Sex |
[04 Jan 2010|05:13pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/avatar-that-movie-about-blue-people-who-have-hair-sex/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50168 
So that big movie about giant blue people with cat faces has already made almost as much money as that other movie by the same director about a giant boat that sinks with a bunch of beautiful people and things on board. That’s right: Avatar is a huge success, almost as huge as those unexplainable Stanford baby tees seen on Sigourney Weaver’s giant blue Avatar, which is clearly a mythical 7XL.
We saw Avatar a few days ago, and despite the furrowed expression left on our faces by the ungodly 3D glasses, we quite enjoyed it. For those of you out there (the infirm, the homeless) who haven’t seen it yet, this was definitely our favorite scene:
Fair enough, that’s not the exact scene, but basically it’s in the movie (and good news for Mel Gibson, they are equally as racist).
If, for whatever reason, you are hesitating joining the masses in sitting through this journey to a far off planet that kinda looks like our planet, only sh*t glow and floats and sh*t, perhaps this half-review/half-recap of the film by comedians Joe Mande and Noah Garfinkel is what you’re looking for. The goal was simple: To go home right after the movie ended and film themselves giving a recap of Avatar. The result, less so: Joe made his right away, while Noah decided to tape his recap 7 days later, while hungover, at 6 in the morning.
Strangely, it’s the hungover version that makes way, way more sense. Language NSFW:
We’d ask you to tell us whether or not you liked Avatar, but that’s a moot question because EVERYONE LOVES IT!!!
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| New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Features J-Lo’s Rockin’ Vagina |
[04 Jan 2010|04:00pm] |
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http://www.bestweekever.tv/2010-01-04/new-years-rockin-eve-features-j-los-rockin-vagina/ http://www.bestweekever.tv/?p=50151 The 2009 edition of the never not-average New Year’s Rockin’ Eve featured numerous highs and lows (actually it didn’t, the event’s interestingometer hasn’t fluctuated in its 85-year existence, but I needed something to write before just posting this pic of Jennifer Lopez in a skin-tight vagina-flaunting catsuit), but amidst the Daughtry performances and other people I mistook for Daughtry, Jennifer Lopez appeared in a skin-tight vagina-flaunting catsuit:
It looks like something a Cirque du Soleil performer would wear while rubbing their crotch in your face as you think to yourself “I spent too much money on this for it to qualify as skeevy — I’m being arted on!”
After the jump, the corresponding pic of J-Lo’s ass. A comedian once told me that it is in fact big:
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